ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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