Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
