Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
