well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He did a backflip because drugs
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
