Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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