Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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