Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
