I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
