Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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