a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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