actually, I'm a sock model
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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