Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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