Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this beer tastes like vomit already
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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