i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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