And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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