My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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