I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
