Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
