Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
