I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize