somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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