I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
