You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
