Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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