Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Who wears a wallet chain?!
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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