I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
