You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
