If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
