she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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