First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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