I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
