My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
