i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Someone shattered a urinal.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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