I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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