You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize