My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
