Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize