I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize