I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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