So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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