Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
