I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
