There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
