Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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