Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
