I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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