They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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