TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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