i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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