i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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