It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she woke up with a sticky ear
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We smell like vodka and hangover
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