he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize