Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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