paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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