What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
