Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
