i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
