She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Randomize
