let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
